DISCIPLINE TIPS

• Discipline is how we help a child learn how to behave. At its core, effective discipline begins with teaching good behavior and letting your child know when she does well.
• Punishment is an unpleasant consequence or correction to unwanted behavior. Punishment is a small part of the discipline process.

• Natural consequences- Let your child see what will happen if she does not behave (as long as it does not place her into any danger). For example, if your child keeps dropping her cookies on purpose, she will soon have no more cookies left to eat. If she throws and breaks her toy, she will not be able to play with it. When you use this method, don’t give in and help your child (ex. by giving her more cookies).
• Logical consequences- In these cases you will need to step in and create a consequence. For example, tell her that if she does not pick up her toys, you will put them away for the rest of the day. When you use this method, it is important that you mean what you say. Be prepared to follow through right away. Do not yell- just be firm and respond calmly. It is okay to model the behavior (ex. showing your child how to pick up her toys first, then letting her do it herself). Just make sure your child joins in to fix the problem.
• Withholding privileges- Tell your child that if she does not cooperate, she will have to give up something she likes. Tips for using this technique:
  • Never take away something your child needs, like food
  • Choose something that your child values that is related to the misbehavior
  • For children younger than 6 or 7, withholding privileges works best if done right away. For example, if your child misbehaves in the morning, don’t tell her that she cannot watch TV that evening. There is too much time in between, and she will likely not connect the behavior with the consequence.
  • Be sure you can follow through on removing the privilege if your child does not cooperate.
• Time-out, or cooling down- This technique works best when a specific rule has been broken. It is most effective for children age 2 through 5. Tips for effective time-outs:
  • Set the rules ahead of time- Decide which 2 or 3 behaviors will cause you to implement time-out and explain this to your child. You may have to repeat this often.
  • Choose a time-out spot- This should be a boring place without distractions, such as a chair. The main goal is to separate a child and allow her to pause and cool off. Bathrooms can be dangerous, and bedrooms should be a safe place for sleeping, not a punishment.
  • Start the time-out- Give your child one warning unless the behavior is aggression. If it happens again, send her to the time-out spot right away. Tell her what she did wrong in as few words and with as little emotion as possible. If your child will not go to the spot on her own, pick her up and carry her there. If she will not stay, stand behind her and hold her gently. Then, without eye contact, say “You are here because you have to have a time-out.” Do not discuss the time-out any further. Do not respond to please, promises, questions, excuses, or outbursts. It should take only a couple of time-outs before she learns to cooperate and will choose to sit quietly.
  • Set a time limit- Once your child can sit quietly, set a timer so she will know when the time-out is over. Most children do well with a 3 minute time-out. If your child gets out of her seat, restart the timer.
  • Resume activity- When the time is up, give her the initial instruction that triggered the time-out behavior in the first place. For example, if she is in time-out for refusing to pick up her toys, say “Please pick up your toys now.” If she refuses again, re-start the time-out process. Continue this cycle until she picks up her toys. This may initially take several cycles of time-out, but over time your child will likely only need one time-out period before complying with the original behavior or action.  
• Child’s solution and choice- This technique puts your child in the position of responsibility and teaches her that she can make better choices. This technique also places any consequence you choose into an action plan.
  • Have a conversation with your child- Make two statements. First, say “I see that you (describe what you saw happen).” Second, say “I think you did this because (describe your best guess, which is usually right, about why your child did this).”
  • Ask your child what she could do if the situation occurs again- This is the heart of the teaching moment because your child is now a part of the solution. It’s important to not say anything after you ask the question. Let her come up with the solution.
  • Create a visual reminder- Write down key misbehaviors on a piece of paper or poster. You can draw pictures if you want to. Then create a diagram with two paths. One path is your child choosing her better idea; the other path is the consequence if your child repeats the original behavior. Involve your child in choosing the consequence. If your child repeats the misbehavior, you can reference the poster and say, very calmly, “I see you chose this path.” This reminds your child that the consequence is a result of her choice and not yours.

• Teach all the steps- What seems simple, like getting dressed in the morning, has many steps for children. If you child “can’t” or “won’t” do something, it may be that your child still needs to learn the steps. Explain the steps one at a time and then offer praise. Take time to remind your child about each step rather than doing it for them or getting upset. It will take longer at first, but it is well worth it and will help your child become more confident. Here is an example:
  • “Please get your clothes. They are on the bed”
  • “Ok, now take off your pajamas”
  • “Now, put on your shirt”
  • “You look very nice today. You did a good job getting dressed”
• Catch your child being good- Watch for good behavior like listening to you, being polite, and helping others. Praise good behavior as often as possible. “Nice tower. Look how high you built it!” “Good sharing. I love it when you play so nicely with your sister.” Your love and attention are what your child needs and wants. But sometimes, children learn that the way to get attention is to misbehave. Teach your child that good behavior is the best way to get your attention. Praise with words, but remember that a smile or a hug can be very effective too!
• Ignoring- This can be used when a child is doing something that is not dangerous to herself or another to try to get your attention.
• Redirecting- Sometimes children misbehave because they are bored or don’t know any better. Find something else for your child to do.
• Listen to your child- Children are learning and experiencing many new things every day, and they want to share them. Spend time every day playing and talking to your child. Talk about the good and fun parts of the day as well as any bad or tough times. If your child has had a hard time:
  • Listen to the whole story without judging or talking about how to behave
  • Find positive parts of the story to praise
  • Teach better way to behave and respond
• When your child makes you angry- Sooner or later, all parents get frustrated. Remember that no matter how difficult your child can be, you are the most important person in your child’s life. If you feel out of control, first make sure your child is in a safe place, like a playpen, crib, or bedroom. Then, take a “time-out” for yourself. Do something that you find relaxing to help you calm down:
  • Have a cup of tea or coffee (avoid alcohol)
  • Listen to music
  • Call a friend or spouse
  • Read
  • Meditate

• Lead by example- Telling your child how to behave is important, but showing her how to behave is more effective. Children learn a lot about temper and self-control from watching their parents and other adults. If you do not handle a situation well the first time, try not to worry about it. Think about what you could have done differently, and try to do it the next time. If you feel you’ve made a real mistake in the heat of the moment, wait to cool down, apologize to your child, and explain how you will handle the situation in the future. Be sure to keep your promise. This gives your child a good way to model recovery from mistakes.
• Be aware of what your child can and cannot do- Children develop at different rates. They have different strengths and weaknesses. When your child misbehaves, it may be that she simply cannot do what you are asking or she does not understand what you expect her to do.
• Pay attention to your child’s feelings- For example, tell your child “I know you are upset that your friend is leaving, but you still have to pick up your toys.” Watch for times when misbehaviors have a pattern, such as when your child is feeling jealous. Talk to your child about this rather than just giving consequences.
• Offer choices when you can- This helps set limits and still allows your child some independence. For example, say “Would you like to wear the red shirt or the blue one?”
• Make a game out of good behavior- Your child is more likely to learn if you make it fun. For example, say, “Let’s have a race and see who can put their coat on first!”
• Plan ahead- If you know that certain events or outings always cause trouble, prepare your child. Ahead of time, explain expected behavior and what will happen if she misbehaves. Make sure to notice if she listens to your suggestions and does what is expected.
• Use statements, not questions- Stating a rule as a question may seem polite, but it allows your child to say no. It’s best to say what you mean and stick to it. For example, say “It’s time to put your toys away” instead of “Would you like to put your toys away now?” Offering choices such as “Put the toys in the box or in the bag” lets your child feel in charge while doing what you want her to do.
• Agree on the rules- It is important for parents and caregivers to agree on rules and discipline. If you disagree, talk about it when you are not with your child. Young children can get confused when parents and other adults have different rules. Also, try to make sure that your rules stay the same from day to day. If the rules are always the same, they are easy to learn.

• The unhealthy cycle of spanking- The American Academy of Pediatrics advises that parents and caregivers should not hit or spank children. Instead of teaching responsibility and self-control, spanking often increases aggression and anger in children. A study of children born in 20 large US cities revealed that children who used physical punishment got caught in a negative cycle: the more children were spanked, the more they later misbehaved, which prompted more spankings. The effects of spanking may also extend beyond the parent-child relationship, because it teaches that it’s okay to use physical pain to manipulate behavior in others. Children who are spanked are more likely to hit others when they don’t get what they want.
• Lasting changes- Children who are spanked show higher levels of hormones tied to toxic stress. Physical punishment may also affect brain development. One study revealed that children who were spanked as children repeatedly used less of the part of the brain involved with self-control. They also had lower IQ test scores as young adults than the control group.
• Words hurt- Yelling at children and using words to cause emotional pain or shame is also ineffective and harmful. Harsh verbal discipline, even by parents who are otherwise warm and loving, can lead to more misbehaviors and mental health problems in children. Research shows that harsh verbal discipline, which becomes more common as children get older, may lead to more behavioral problems and symptoms of depression in teens. Remember, statements such as “Look at this room- I know you can do better!” communicate both love and correction and are much more effective than “You’re a slob!”

AAP Feed run on: 9/7/2024 Article information last modified on: 9/7/2024